devastation - utter devastation

How do i or where do i start

a week ago friday-had a call off my father, mum had fallen and broken her hip. She never really recovered after her stroke 2 years ago.

She was in a lot of pain but a little weak to go throgh the operation , sunday nite she went fo it and by 2am monday morning she was recovering..

She seemed ok and the docs were pleased with her progress.. monday afternoon she crahsed on the ward - blood pressure plumited and breathing was laboured..

she was rushed to HDU (Intensive care unit)-she stabalised and steadily improved until thursday, my sister called me and asked if i knew how ill mum really was.. I was knda perplexed at what she had to tell me. Mum had had a heart attack the cause of the fall and she had fungal pneumonia. and her hip joint was rejecting. all things that someone could have told me nearly a week earlier.

I panicked and drove 5 hours to get up there for 9am on the friday morning. i cannot describe what i faced in the bed, it was not my mum laying down there it was somthing being kept alive with 30 tubes going in or coming out of her. she was bloated due to the heart attack Kidneys dont function properly after such an incident. she kept going in and out of conciousnes (spelling not sure of!) and her eyes were rolling, and to be fair it broke my heart to see her in such a state.

2 years prior when she had her stroke, at least her breathing was ok, she understood what i was saying and was laughing!, this time she was imobile, in pain and looked far from the woman who dragged me into this world kicking and screaming!, and the lady who me and my sibbling affectionally called 'Acid Tongue'-Now who ever knows me now knows who i get my mouth from!.

I spent a good 50 mins with her, whilst the nurses went round doing there stuff.. I told mum a loved her and not to go anywhere until i return, she smiled and said i know love. I held her hand and was just jabbering away about nothing in particular, my life seems so normal compaired with somone plugged into as many things as she was. The I Love you i think was my way of saying goodbye to her. Sounds evil but when somone you love so much looks like that and is in that much pain you want it to stop, or you want them to be at peace you know?

I left the ward after speaking to my dad, who said to go over for coffee but you know i really didnt feel like it and after 40 mins sitting in the car just crying my eyes out i really didnt feel like talking to anyone. I called my sister, and my other half to say whats going on, how she looked and general stuff but everytime i thought about how ill she was i broke down, You never expect your mum to die-They are invincable always there, picking ya up if yu fall down etc..

I knew by the state of mum she wasnt coming out and would not recover from this.. Probubly the hardest realisation i have ever had in my life..

The stupid thing is i am kinda sad and angry with mum, she drank to excess and smoked like a sailor.. even after getting through lung cancer..

I feel sad because i love her dearly, and am gonna miss her smile, and i miss her telling everything will be alright (Good traight every mum has i think), and no matter what i told her in her later years she always accepted me for what i am and who i am, and no matter how much we used to scream at each other she said she loved me..

I also feel very angry as mum are always there and should never leave there kids alone.. Also angry as she is leaving two beautiful grand daughters behind depriving them of knowing her and growing up around her. Why did she have to go?, i think she just needed to rest and be at peace, She had bouts off illness cancer,stroke, you name it mum had had it over the years. But still even now after 3 days not long i know i am wondering what she is upto-still thinking she is alive.
It weights so heavy on my heart that i have lost her but being angry with her is not going to help me in the slightest, it will just make me bitter and resentfull towards her-which i never wanna become.

As you are aware the 'Family' are very disfunctional, not really getting on, burying issues for years then screaming at each other just to vent, no one really listening to anyone else..

Sarah my sister has issues with our parents, not inviting them to her wedding, not inviting any of us to either christening of her daughters, this at the time didnt mean a lot to me i have to admit but now mum has gone i am very resentfull towards my sister, not allowing my mum to be proud of there daughter walking up the aisle, being proud granparents, all thease things my mum would have died not knowing what went on and what were they like..

Sarah is now trying to take over the arrangements for the funeral, or what ever is gonna happen, not sure if this is guilt or som other issues she has now mum has gone.. Dad mentioned last night on the phone 'All Family issues are cancelled' as we need to be a more tight nit family. the thing is is that if we were not united before the loss of mum why should we be now?, mum held it all together for all of us (not very well at times) but she did.

As for cancellin all family issues, either we all go into therapy or we go individually.. To much has been done and said to me for me to forgive what dad and sarah have done to me. Also on the other side i am sure i have done things that both sarah and dad cannot forgive me for.. You see we are just your normal disfunctional family..

I cant think of anything else to write apart from i wish my mum was still with us, as i just wanna say to her everything is ok and she wont be in pain any longer, i want dad to chill out and to realise just cos mum has gone we are not all gonna be one happy family, far from it..

Sorry if this all sounds to heavy my heart is breaking, i feel so empty and alone ( i have my si who is my rock at the moment!), cannot describe the feeling running through my head at the moment, all i know is that it will take me years to get over the loss of a truly lovely person, My Mum..

I love my mum and please dont ever forget me..

xx